Artist: Simon Pritchard. Painting: She Protector Of My Heart
Floor and I catching up with movies we missed from 2014 and 2015
Watched Whiplash last night – brilliant
I played cello in my school orchestra and the orchestra leader and music teacher was Mr Swinburne, a mental sadist. A scene here in this movie uncanningly similar to what Swinburn did with me, go through the orchestra, getting different sections playing, hunting for the wrong note, and then honing in on the culprit
This is what Swinburn did to me. Expose me and verbally humiliate me in front of the orchestra with tremendous cruelty until i was crying
I was extremely lucky to be exposed to lots of cruelty when I was a youngster
My mother wasn’t mentally well and she in effect controlled my bladder, forcing me, when in her/our house, to shit and piss when she wanted, and often not permitting me when I wanted, a pattern that went on well into my teenage years. I was molested by a paeodophile, stalked by another paeodophile, dealt with brutally by nurses when I was a young boy in hospital having an operation on my ear, and all kinds of other very unpleasant things
I am really glad these things happened.
My heart was broken at a very young age, and I learned to be very afraid of both men and women, and this fear at some point became terror and reached a point where in the mental hospital I would spend long hours at a time in actual physical paralysis
My life was so unendurable for so many years, and my psychology so messed up, along with physical trauma and disorder in my spine, through my jaw, neck and down to my legs, that I was beyond any possibility of consolation
So when I came to my Guru Adi Da Samraj at age 24 I was truly already profoundly disoriented and I was available to open myself to His Teachings. I had no alternatives. I tried everything I could think of to break free and it wasn’t working
When I came to Adi Da Samraj I found the sweetest, most loving, compassionate kind, humorous, free, ecstatic being I could imagine, and it was the first time I found a human being whose heart was so wide and open that I felt safe and I could trust.
He surrounded me with His Love, and this trust enabled me to relax profoundly deep in the core of my being, and to grow again
In His Company I could freely and safely examine, observe and understand the patterns of apparent cruelty that others seemed to have enacted towards me, as well as the patterns of cruelty ‘in’ me, my profoundly devastating rejection of love and life, how I was patterned to use acts of apparent cruelty to myself, as a justification and excuse for my withholding of love from others, and as a motive to punish myself and all apparent ‘others’. The acts of apparent lovelesness ‘against’ me were a cover for my own refusal to love and be vulnerable, and a cover for an addiction to self-pity, negativity and self preoccupation
I saw how those who were cruel to me had themselves received cruelty from others, and were just repeating the karmas unconsciously, that it wasn’t ‘personal;’ and I saw and understood how in my case the people and circumstances served me by giving me the opportunity to transcend myself, and be free.
I could choose to not identify with the cruelty perpetrated to me by others. My reaction had a logic in it’s time as a form of self-protection, but it was no longer necessary, and my Guru showed me and Spiritually Transmitted to me His State of Eternal and Infinite Happiness. He Transmitted to me the Perfect Knowledge that my heart is never damaged by anything or anyone, rather it is just wounded, if I allow that wound, and so I can stay Happy and keep Loving, and I am never disabled in that capability to receive and give love by apparent events of past, present or future
He shouted at once to me in a gathering of people, exposing me, but not humiliating me like my music teacher, because His shout was full of Love and Humour
‘Big Stupid Karma’
Then later on the same night, He looked into my eyes wirth complete Heartbroken Love, and He said that if I keep serving Him (which He defines as to do whatever it takes to serve the Happiness of all beings) that ‘I will make your face Happy’
And He fulfilled His promise to me
I have not one trace of resentment, bitterness or anger about any of the suffering i ever had, or the suffering I continue to have
He taught me to value all of it, every shred of my life, all the bitter qualities as well as all the sweet qualities
He Teaches me, shows me, demonstrates to me, proves to me, Transmits to me that although this world is a very poor place, and that there is all the deaths and degradation and destruction
That all of it is arising in and as the context, and a ‘being’ of a Love and Joy and Happiness that is boundless and free, and indestructible
Because my Master revealed this Being to me via His Form, I call IT ‘DA’, but since it’s not separate from anyone or anything, I am happy to call it Love, or God, or Consciousness, or Christ, or Allah, or Truth, or Freedom, or Reality, or Happiness or anything else that signals Absolute Freedom
(Adi Da writes)
You exist in a constant State of Communion with
That in Which all of this is arising. Everything that
appears must be accepted as Prasad, as a Divine
Gift. It is nothing that you get by your own power,
nothing that you can hold on to by your own
power—it is just part of the environment of Real
You must be completely released of the sense of
ownership, of somehow “having it”. It could go.
Therefore, you must not console yourselves (in any
absolutely dependent sense) with your
relations, goods, circumstances, anything
you have or could acquire.
This does not mean that you should
dissociate yourself from the pleasures of
life. It does not mean anything like that.
Rather, it means you must turn absolutely
to the Source, whole bodily, and allow
everything that arises to be the virtues of
That One, part of the Delight of Divine
Cling to nothing, in any absolute
sense. Love all. Delight in all of this. But let that
love, that delight, be (all the time)
Communion with That One, Communion
with the Source in Which all of this arises,
and in Which it all changes and disappears.
You have no power to get any of it for yourself. Therefore, you have no right to glamorize yourself with it.
Use every circumstance, every good, every thing, every relation as a means of Divine Communion—Remembrance of the Giver, Remembrance of the Divine Source-Condition. Do this, and then you can be rightly associated with any of the pleasures of life—any good relations, any enjoyable and delightful presence, circumstance, condition, “object”.
– Adi Da Samraj,
My “Bright” Sight
copyright 2016 ASA