Painting: Amrita Nadi. Artist: Simon Pritchard.
Note: The following turned out to be delusional. Whatever ‘awakening’ I perceived was a subjective fantasy and was not embodied in the play of life. For a short time there appeared to be fearlesness yet subsequent events revealed fear, bewilderment and insecurity. I am deeply humbled. I am a mere beginner.
This morning the lady far away asks me to explain what is different
Before and after
Before and After that moment in a garden in France when I discovered suddenly irrefutably and certainly by His Grace Alone that I had never been and I never will be
An awakening from this dream
Because she is across the ocean I choose to write to her
To explain my self the self I cannot find
I try my best to answer your question, to explain
Before the ‘event’ in the French garden I was not separate but not separate still within the dream. Still contained. The life was still serious. I could still be lonely. Happy in my loneliness. There was still an urgency to the life. The life seemed still to be real with a beginning and an end.
Just I was happy. Not separate. Happy free in the world. Not separate from the world. I recognized the people in the world as myself, but I didn’t recognize the world itself. The world itself was still a mystery. Containing me. An infinite container.
Then in France He filled my heart to overflow. The vision of love of infinite beauty. In love. Then in a swoop he cut it down. He broke, destroyed it. Revealed the truth of death behind the beautiful vision. Breaking my heart. I wept. And then I leapt. It was the inevitable next step. There was nowhere to fall.
There was nothing to be lost having lost the Loved One. So I allowed myself to fall. I let go of the reins and the Horse bolted. The Horse returned in a sudden with gifts of light and love that crashed through me. I was untied in an instant. I was unzipped of the illusion of separate self.
Simon fell away like dust. The thought of him was no more. An imaginary creation. I filled the space the infinite space. I am the universe of love. It is He. It is He I surrender to. And in that moment He disappeared.
He became Nothing. I held onto Nothing. I fell into Nothing. I Am He. There is no other. It is only Me. Life and Death is the Same One. Da. The hole in the universe.
Who Exists is He is Me