Fuck You (Adi Da Samrajashram, my second retreat in Fiji – 1995)
1995 I was on retreat on Sri Loveanandashram, Fiji with my Guru, Adi Da
Samraj. Many days He Sat with us in Darshan (a Sanskrit word referring
to the sacred devotional sighting of the Guru or of images of the Divine
(http://adidaupclose.org/glossary/index.html) for about an hour or so in
an exquisite Fijian bure-style Temple, which was then called Turanga
Hridayam (Turanga, a Maori word, is the gerundial form of the word tu,
which means ‘to stand, to remain,’ so it translates as ‘standing place’
and the Sanskrit word ‘Hridayam’ – ‘knowing and being in the heart of all’.
Well what could be a more apt name for this exquisite temple, which
stood in ‘the Matrix’, the green and succulent, Holy grounds of The
Master’s House (His principal residence), where the Great Guru, Master
of all the worlds, Ruchira Da humanly lived, and still lives, taking His
Eternal Stand in and as the Spiritual Heart of all Beings.
And an apt name also because in this temple, when Adi Da Sat, and I
would gaze at and contemplate with feeling His beautiful bodily (human)
Form, my feeling heart, sometimes restless, and my bodymind often
troubled, would gradually come to rest in the Sublime Feeling of Peace,
Happiness and Unconditional Love, that He Transmitted. His Freedom, His
Ecstacy, His Bliss was, and is, infectious. My fellow devotees and I we
longed for the Sight of Him in these occasions, like hungry creatures
coming to be fed by an indescribably beautiful, generous, sweet being,
the likes of which we had never known before. He poured Himself into us.
His Love knew no bounds. We drank in His Bliss like cats drinking cream.
One day as I was gardening around His House a devotee shouted at me and
a handful of others, just four or five of us who happened to be close
by, that Adi Da wanted to answer questions from retreatants immediately,
with no time to spare. He was close by bathing in His jacuzzi. He wanted
to answer these questions not face to face but via walkie talkie, using
an intermediary, so that a devotee resident on the island would speak to
him on our behalf and He would answer back through that person. We were
ushered into a small bure (Fijian wood and straw hut). It was all so
quick and urgent our minds hardly had any time to formulate a question,
so when it was my turn I found myself speaking spontaneously.
My question was that I had noticed that in these Darshan occasions I
gradually became so infilled with Bliss when gazing at Him that there
would come a point when I was ‘full’ and had had enough, when I would
stop actively contemplating His bodily (human) Form and just sort of
disconnect from Him and hang out in the Blissful feeling, like a dog or
cat that has been fed and wasn’t hungry anymore. My question was why did
I do this, disconnect from Him at that point. The question was relayed
by Dina on her walkie talkie and then Dina gave His answer back to me.
Her eyes got quite large and fierce, as she leaned forward to me and
shouted ‘Fuck you!’. And then it was the next person’s turn to ask a
In that moment I felt how my whole life, even when i was at my ‘best’ or
what felt like to be my most loving, was a ‘fuck you.’ It was my basic
default position in life, strategically seeking to get what i could from
everything and everyone, and essentially completely disinterested in
really giving myself to life and people unreservedly and unceasingly as
my Guru did and does with no withholding. I saw i was interested in self
acqusition, and not the practice or discipline of self sacrifice. I was
‘out for myself’ like an addict and not truly relating lovingly to my
Guru, or indeed anyone. I realized I was relating to Adi Da like He was
a machine, n untouchable super power, rather than a feeling being who
could be ‘hurt’ by my acts of unlove and my superficial unfeeling casual
The strength and power and rawness of His ‘Fuck you’ penetrated the
armouring around my heart, and made my heart softer, broke it, so I
could feel Him more deeply, and maintain the feeling connection with Him
better and stronger, not ritualizing it, putting rings around my heart,
blocking Him and everyone out.
After the retreat this ‘Fuck you’ would ring and still rings in my ears
anytime I would be cruel towards someone, or have cruel thoughts, or cut
off from them, or judge them. I catch myself in the unkind thought or
act and I can correct it. My Master is not pleased with me, so I correct
myself, as I want His Love, His Approval, His Acceptance. I don’t want
His displeasure. He Showed and Shows me what it is to be a feeling being
and He expects that of me. And being the addict that I am I need someone
like that in my life, not just someone, I need Him, every day, and every
moment of every day, and like an addict I will always need Him, and for
me that is a Great Happiness, that I can feel enough for someone that I
know I will always need Him.
Adi Da’s Words and Actions travel through Time and Space. The lessons,
His Gifts to me, are always forever rolling from some hidden place to
right under my feet. It never stops the flow of Gifts from Him. Even as
I write this I am receiving more. He never stops giving.
I have a lifelong tendency of not just being cruel and heartless to
others, but even moreso to myself. I am addicted to self critical,
hypercritical punishing thoughts to myself. A few weeks ago the mind was
thinking some such cruel thoughts to myself and i felt quite depressed.
Then I shouted first tacitly, silently, and then out loud, and then out
loud over and over again, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you. And I wept as I
felt my Guru’s Transmission in my Heart and soon I was in Bliss and His
Bliss all around and through me.
My Guru is me, not separate from me, this He always showed and shows me,
not is me, me as an ego. of course not, but is me as my True Self, in my
True Form, which is everyone’s True Form, you who are reading this, me
and everyone. So when my Guru shouts Fuck you to me He enables me to say
Fuck You to myself, the imaginary self, the mind, that doesnt really
exist, the self contraction, that tries to make my life and everyone’s
life a misery.
So My Guru has taught me to say ‘Fuck you’ to myself and for me that is
an ecstatic thing.
I will always love and worship Adi Da my Guru. For me He Is Everything.
There is Nothing else. He is everyone and everything and loving Him
frees me to love everyone and everything. And He is Nothing as well. And
that is a great Mystery. And for me there is no other Way but Him.
He is The Way.
There is Love.
He is Love
I am Very Happy to be so in love with Adi Da that He Takes His Stand in
and as my and everyone’s Heart that our hearts can come to rest and
remain in Him in Eternal Bliss
What a fucking Miracle
The Standing Place of The Heart