Exhaust Yourself Through Love
Painting by Simon Pritchard: a Darshan occasion with Adi Da Samraj, at Samraj Mahal, at Adi Da Samrajashram, 1998
This Darshan occasion next to the ocean at Samraj Mahal had an incredible and very strange intensity. Adi Da was leaning forward and, it seemed to me, was almost ready to explode. Maybe the photograph gives you some sense of this. His body and face seemed to be straining with the pressure of unbelievable forces. I felt like He was eating all the karmas in the universe. Simultaneously the energy was building in my bodymind like someone was gradually turning up the heat in an incinerator.
My feeling heart was swollen in love-bliss, and Beloved Adi Da’s Transmission was such an intense force that I felt my body could be ripped open at any moment. At the same time I could feel a reluctance in me to fully surrender. I was at ‘war’ with my own ‘help.’ This Darshan was in no way comfortable or consoling. I had the impression that Adi Da was working with extremely dark forces, digesting them and converting them into Love-Bliss-Light. Of course what do I really know about it, the mysterious work He does? Nothing! Still I feel compelled to try to communicate about it as best I can.
Whatever was happening, it was mind-blowing, shocking and awe inspiring. I felt very challenged by Adi Da’s admonition to keep turning the faculties of body, mind, attention and breath to Him. This Darshan, for me. was like riding on a bucking bronco, holding on tight for dear life, so I would not be swept on the ground and trampled underfoot by the force of my karmas.
Just as my tolerance for the overwhelming intensity was reaching breaking point, Adi Da signalled very subtly to Quandra Sukhapur Rani to bring the Prasad to Him to be blessed and passed out. We left the occasion, walking or creeping backwards, mesmerised, not wanting to leave, trying to extend the sighting of Him for as many moments as we could. Beloved was there all the while, unmoved and unmoving – a tremendous, magnificent ‘Realization machine.’ as He has described Himself
A couple of weeks before this Darshan, Adi Da spoke in a Gathering about the various diseases one can die from, like cancer or a heart attack or stroke, sensitizing us to the ‘heart-breaking truth’ of our vulnerability, fragility and mortality. Then with a gorgeous, blissful smile on His face He swooned in ecstasy, telling us that the best way to die was to ‘exhaust yourself through love.’ This. He said is what He had done all His life. He pointed at us, moving his extended index finger from one person to the next, instructing us that ‘this is what you are to do likewise – exhaust yourselves through love.’ Whether there was disease in the body or not, the primary reason for death should be this exhaustion through loving. We must ‘die of love.’
How can I convey to you the beauty, the softness, the exquisite tenderness of His voice and face when He said this? How can I help you re-experience with me the delight, the happiness, the freedom, the joy, the bliss, the love that radiated from the Master to us through His speech, His look, His gestures? I am not sure I have ever heard or seen anything so beautiful as our Master talking like this. Here was a being completely undivided, at peace, a man, as he once described Himself, in absolute ‘embrace’ of life and at the same time paradoxically absolutely ‘dead,’ a selfless person of transparent purity, the God-Man utterly given over to serving mankind, womankind and all beings in all times and places, then, now and forever.
His call to us, and even all beings, is to be lovers, like Him, to never be too proud to demonstrate true surrender, which is ‘universal worship’, to worship each and every being in his or her True Form, the Divine Being, the Very One that we call by the name ‘Da.’ Adi Da once made me a promise: ‘Simon I mold the face of my devotee……keep serving Me and I will make your face Happy.’ He has defined ‘service’ as ‘to sacrifice your refusal to share the life force’ with apparent ‘others’. On another occasion, He defined service as to provide whatever is required for all beings to become Enlightened by Him. Beloved Adi Da Samraj has found a way to give everyone ‘something to do in the midst of this Ecstasy.’