‘Because My Dick Is Bigger Than Yours’ – Los Angeles, Worldwide Mission HQ, Year 2000

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A leela (story) of Adi Da’s fierce, passionate, Divine Love-Play with Jeff Forrester and myself in year 2000 in our function as managers of the Adidam Global Mission It was another day, religion business as usual in the L.A worldwide Mission Headquarters on the other side of the Valley. The sun was darting rays of light into the ‘office’ in a house where we lived with other devotees.

Possibly R.E.M ‘Everybody Hurts’ or one of their other hits, can’t remember which, was blasting from the pumped up office hi-fi despite admonitions from one of our cultural superiors visiting from Adidam cultural headquarters in Lake County that it would be good if there was more sila in the Mission office and perhaps we should turn the music down or off, and another admonition from one of the visiting priests in Adidam that maybe we should take some breaks occasionally from our relentless outreach work on overheated computers and over-stretched telephones to wave more incense.

I was under the impression I was working hard to please my Guru in the spirit of selfless service. Why once I even worked three days and nights with no sleep at all to produce a fifty seven’ page ‘Good News’ Report, collating ‘Good News’ from Adidam communities across the globe, that was eventually whittled down to half a page or so by Adidam cultural leadership before seemingly disappearing somewhere in cyberspace, never to be seen or heard of again. Most likely it was a ‘bad moment’ in terms of Adi Da not feeling any rightness, integrity or intensity in our collective worldwide response as devotees to His Adidam Revelation, and so the report was either never presented to Him, or if presented ignored or blasted to High Heaven.

‘They might like Simon down at the office’ Adi Da had Said of me, ‘but can he get results?’ Jeff Forrester, Lenie Koole, Dorothy Hall and I made up the core of the world-wide Mission leadership team, together with support from an extended, largely secret fanbase we called ‘L.A Confidential’. To my mind The Mission in Adidam has tended to operate like an underground revolutionary movement (peaceful of course, not angry or violent!), forced to be driven underground even within Adidam, as a result of an anxiety (conscious and unconscious) within many, perhaps all devotees, about being missionaries.

Those thousand or so of us (at the time) formal devotees who had been graced with Adi Da’s Revelation of Himself as being the human incarnation of the Divine Person were showing the signs of people who had found the most incredible treasure in the world, and yet were reluctant to share it, despite the fact that we all somehow ‘knew’ this treasure was not only everyone’s birthright but also Infinite and Eternal in size and so could never be depleted.

Carolyn Lee’s biography of Adi Da Samraj ‘The Promised God-Man Is Here’ had just been published. It was the remit of Jeff, Lenie, Dorothy and myself to promote this book and inspire devotees worldwide to sell it in large enough numbers to if not penetrate at least make a dent in the egoic armouring of what we all call ‘the world’ so that all beings everywhere would have the opportunity to ‘find’ and ‘be found’ by Adi Da Samraj, who incarnated in this realm to Spiritually Awaken and Liberate all beings in this realm and all realms, in all times and places.

Adi Da Samraj had and has and will always have no other purpose except to ensure every ‘one’ discovers the Truth that He is ‘the Life and Consciousness of all beings’ and that each apparent ‘one’ is ‘That’, Eternally Free and Unconditionally Happy. He Transmits that Realization. He is and never was an ordinary man.

In the story I am telling Adi Da was still ‘submitting’ to His devotees, and serving us very directly and ‘personally’. This ‘Self-Submission’ was a phase of His Work that was superseded formally and finally ended on July 10, 2007, when he fully embraced what he called “Parama-Sapta-Na Sannyas”, his final seventh-stage disposition of “Divine Self-Revelation-Only”. At the end of all of his years of self-submission and all his efforts to awaken humankind thereby, Adi Da had, he says, conclusively (and paradoxically) demonstrated that the method of self-submission does not and cannot work. That is, only his egoless divine self-revelation, and not any address to the ego in its presumed separateness, enables the process of transcendental spiritual awakening.

Knowing that he had long seen the futility of his self-submission, one might ask why he persisted in it with such intensity and for so long a time. Of this he writes:

‘It was absolutely Necessary that I Do everything, in order to See if My Blessing and Liberation of beings were possible by Means of My Self-Submission. I have Demonstrated, with Absolute Conclusiveness, that Such is not possible. Therefore, there is no purpose in any continuation of My Self-Submission.…My Impulse to continue Working in the Manner of Self-Submission utterly Vanished—most conclusively, on July 10, 2007. The fruitlessness of My Self -Submission became so overwhelmingly obvious that That Effort entirely Fell Away.’

(Avatar Adi Da Samraj, copyright 2016 ASA)

However this time I am writing about was the year 2000 previous to the formal end of His ‘Submission Phase.’

There are times when I have imagined I am ‘alive’, ‘awake’, ‘buzzing’, ‘working’, ‘energized’, only for something to happen, a shock to the system, a ‘rude awakening’ that reveals I am actually like a comatose robot. This was such a moment. The telephone rang. ‘Jeff, you and Simon need to get on an internet chat with Adi Da, right away, He wants to chat with you’. This was completely unexpected and we were completely unprepared. It was like being asked to step up on a stage and act spontaneously with no warning or chance to prepare. Except this theatre was ‘Divine Theatre’, where one of the ‘actors’ wouldn’t be acting, but was ‘Reality Itself’ in a bodily human form. with Real Siddhis (spiritual powers) capable of dissolving our imaginary ‘ego- selves’, and capable of giving us a Real Divine Kicking up our imaginary, but to Jeff and me all to real, arses.

Someone was typing for Adi Da as He dictated, ‘How many Promised God-Man Is Here books have you sent down to Fiji to be sold there?’ If we had our wits about us we would have answered ‘none’, but somehow Jeff and I were confused as we could not be completely sure The Dawn Horse Press who published the book, had not unbeknownst to us, sent some to Fiji. After all there was supposed to be an Adidam Fiji Mission, especially since Naitauba Island where our Guru Lived was in Fiji, and there were a significant number of devotees living there and passing through Fiji on the way to and from Naitauba.

On the other hand there were some internal politics in Adidam surrounding the Mission in Fiji, and Jeff and I had not been able to assert control there. The fear of devotees in advocating Adi Da was even more pronounced there than anyone else, since there was a strong desire not to ‘rock the boat’ with the Christian Fijian authorities.

Adi Da’s question was brilliant as in one swoop he exposed Jeff and me in our egoity, revealing our self defensive, self protectiveness, ineffectiveness, unresponsiveness, lack of clarity, and lack of control of the Mission that we were entrusted with. Jeff was typing, and he and I hurriedly confered as to what to communicate, like people confer under stress and time pressure in a game show quiz on TV, except that weren’t any prizes on display, just the image of Adi Da’s Power Foot rammed up against our backsides.

‘Beloved, we don’t know how many’.

‘Damn, fucking liars, you do know………none’.

Our answer was very displeasing to our Guru. He began to blast us for some minutes using many expletives, telling us that were lying to him, hiding things from him and trying to destroy Him and the worldwide Mission. The image comes to mind of being in the front line in a war, two generals imagining we were fighting for our leader. and then our ‘leader’ gets in a bomber aircraft, flies low overhead and starts bombing us from above as though to obliterate us.

Then He Said ‘have you set up an Adidam bookshop at Nadi International Airport yet (the main airport devotees flew into at the time enroute to Adi Da Samrajashram, the sanctuary island where Adi Da was living)?’

Well we knew the answer to that. Nadi Airport was at that time quite a small airport. I am not sure if there was even a coffee shop or newspaper stand there. There were barely any Adidam bookshops worldwide. The Adidam policy at the time was to keep a very low profile in Fiji. Nadi airport was the least likely place we would establish a bookstore presence

‘No Beloved. we haven’t’

I didn’t know whether to laugh at what seemed a crazy suggestion or cry because Beloved Adi Da’s urgency made it seem obvious we should have set up a bookstore there.

Except for these two instances  Jeff and I had almost zero time to answer any points, it was a constant barage of criticism, including the criticism that we had nothing to say in defence! At some point Beloved Adi Da Said that our reaction to Him, our attempt as He saw it, to undermine His
Work, was because of penis envy-

‘it’s because my dick is bigger than yours’

He began to Talk about His Love and Pity for the five billion people on the planet, how Jeff and I were robbing them of their chance to know Him and to find Him in this lifetime, because we were destroying His Work

Then at some point we were told ‘Beloved is weeping now for all the five billion. We need to leave him to weep privately and be with his family’

The chat petered out. Jeff and I were in a kind of daze of emotions. Mainly what I felt was Beloved’s heart-break, somehow my heart was penetrated by His Incredible Love, I felt my refusal of His Love, I had felt I was urgent, but now feeling the full, direct force of Beloved’s Heart Urgency that all beings come to Him, I felt how tiny my ‘urgency’ was in comparison, indeed I was feeling how my resistance and refusal of His Gift, His Person, was actively obstructing and destroying the very Mission I had believed I was serving and championing.

I thought I had ‘good intentions’ but I was what Adi Da calls ‘a good hearted ego’. If I was to be effective, Free and Happy, a true devotee, who could be an instrument for instead of an obstruction to my Guru’s Divine Work, I needed my Guru’s Purifying Fire to burn away my fake costume of egoity

His remark about his dick being bigger than mine is something that even all these years later – fifteen years at the time of writing – is a constant ‘companion’, a reminder and sensitizer to the necessity to continually transcend my oedipal patterning as it manifests in male competitiveness and jealousy, especially in relationship to Beloved Adi Da, in feelings of superiority and lack of humility, in resistance to being submitted and surrendered to my Guru, in active destructive, controlling suppressive and careless attitudes and behaviours towards my vows and responsibilities, that I share along with all other devotees, as a custodian and champion of His Great Work.

His criticisms were very humbling. Jeff and I had an attitude that we were the guys with the right expansive, fearless, radical approach to the worldwide mission, up against the forces within the institution of Adidam that were controlling and suppressing our ambition, our impulse
and our outreach work. Adi Da really turned the tables on us and showed us that we were part of the same pattern we thought we were fighting against.

We were not being opposed, rather we were opposing Him

Slowly and over time I began to see how I was unconsciously at war with my own help.

Because it was an unconscious pattern it was not something immediately evident to me, but rather I began to trust that my Guru must be pointing to something very profound in me that I needed to examine very seriously, and over time I began to see evidence for it in the way I was sabotaging His Work, often in subtle but very real ways that previously I was not sensitive to. These patterns of sabotage included patterns of self sabotage and
self destructiveness.

The roots go deep. As well as dramatizing the classic oedipal impulse to destroy the father, I began to sense I was enacting the ‘scapegoat ritual, in which the higher or superior man, the Guru, is made into a vicarious sacrifice.

Adi Da writes in The Aletheon-

‘Anciently, the cyclically (or even annually) culminating product of this exoteric “religio-political cult” was the ritual “de-throning” (or ritual deposition) of the one in the “middle” (just as, even in these times, political leaders are periodically “deposed”— by elections, by rules of term and succession, by scandal, by slander, by force, and so on)’

(Avatar Adi Da Samraj, copyright 2016 ASA)

For me this pattern manifested in various forms, for example the taking on of key responsibilities for the Guru’s work, and then even aggressively abandoning them when things got too ‘hot’, too difficult, too challenging. It took the form of not assuming a heroic disposition and attitude of strength in the process of confronting obstacles, but in allowing myself to feel and be defeated, and it manifested as dramatizing the victim, self-pity and negativity when things didn’t go ‘my’ way.

I saw that I was dramatizing and not penetrating what Adi Da calls ‘the taboo against the superior man’. This included refusing to incarnate as the superior man myself, but preferring to remain childish and ineffective

Adi Da Samraj writes ‘ in ‘Love Of The Two-Armed Form’

‘Thus, higher or superior Man is present in this world only in the case of the rare individual, rather than in the form of the human world as a whole. And such an uncommon individual is regarded suspiciously by all. The responsibilities and the Vision he presumes make him appear like a “mad scientist” or an “evil” man of mysterious powers, in league with the “Devil.” All of this because the usual man refuses to be responsible for all that he must master if he is to be truly human and pass on to his Divine Destiny.’

(Avatar Adi Da Samraj, copyright 2016 ASA)

And yet His criticism was also tremendously empowering of Jeff and me, each individually as men and in our service to Him, separately and jointly. I was not left in any doubt that Adi Da required us to support His absolutely expansive vision regarding the making of availability of His Work. Those voices within the institutional leadership Adidam which were warning against Adidam becoming ‘above the radar’, voices which represented an old pattern that I seemed to be absorbing without even knowing it was happening, and replicating inside my mind, were obliterated – at least in my mind! Beloved Adi Da installed a fearlesness at the core of my being, where I had been timid and afraid, and I saw this in Jeff too.

The fiery passion in Jeff to serve His Master’s Work, the flames of devotional fire in his heart, were fanned on this day by His Guru. Jeff is no longer physically with us, having passed away late this year, from cancer. Although I spent very little time with Jeff physically after this year I lived and served  with him in Los Angeles, we corresponded regularly, and the few days I physically spent with him a couple of years before he died, were heartbreakingly powerful and deeply relaxing at the core of my being.

By the time of the weeks leading up to His death, prior to his death, Beloved had already taken Him to a place of profound joy and freedom, while still suffering from cancer in the body. His close friends and I, especially those of us who knew him over a long period or spent much physical closeness to him, or both, saw the miracles Beloved Adi Da accomplished in his devotee.

I treasure Jeff’s email letters to me, and regularly re-read them, so infused with devotion and passion for our Guru, a razor sharp discriminative heart- intelligence, and an intense, fearless, inspired vision for Adidam and the Mission of Adidam. I have no doubt that wherever Jeff is now, in whatever world or realm, in whatever form, that he is tirelessly serving his Guru, who on this day I described here in this story, initiated both of us into a new level of manly responsibility and responsiveness to Him, Adi Da Samraj, The Promised-Godman, our Liberator and Saviour, the Pristine, Sublime Lord of all the worlds

To me it is extraordinary how He served Jeff and me, completely extraordinary, and transformative. To me it is extraordinary how He served Jeff and me, completely extraordinary, and transformative. By grace the patterning of Narcissus is more and more exposed, revealed, penetrated and surrendered through turning of the faculties to Him. The identification with the patterning becomes less and less binding. My sense of being becomes more and more joyful, more and more rested in the prior Happiness I recognize to be Him.

There was, it seems to me, looking back, great humor in His play with us and in His criticisms, but also simultaneously great seriousness, great urgency, great freedom, great pain, Divine rage, the strongest compassion, tremendous empowerment, ferocious power,  deepest and boundless sorrow, all of it there at the same time and none of those qualities mitigating the others.

Who else but the Divine in a human form is able to do and be all of that?


(Quotes of Adi Da Samraj and dialogue, copyright 2016 ASA)

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