I Wanted To Crawl And Slither After Him Forever! (My first retreat in Fiji – 1990)
On my first visit to Adi Da Samrajashram in 1990 I was in a dissociative state. Even though I had been madly in love with Adi Da since 1984, even though I had seen him at Mariahoop, Netherlands in 1986 and even though He had already given me many revelations that He was God in a human form, still the first occasion I saw Him in 1990 on retreat, with His Kanyas, I had this strange sensation that Adi Da and the kanyas were puppets, like I was watching a Thunderbirds set. I had seen so many videos and photos of them on Naituaba and now I was here it looked unreal, like I was watching the scene on television. I became paranoid, thinking I was maybe trapped in a weird cult and had been brainwashed. At one point I felt a sense of rising panic, feeling that maybe I had made a grave mistake.
As Beloved says He is the ‘Sunlight over the well’ and in His Presence all the creepy crawlies in the subconscious mind, come crawling up the sides of the well, out of the darkness, to be purified in the Light. Well Beloved Adi Da made sure I would soon feel the Reality of Who He Is, that if anyone was a puppet, a heartless machine, controlled by my own robot mind – it was me not Him. He drew me into relationship through His Beauty, His Grace, His Love and His Magnetic Power.
One such occasion I was sitting in ‘the Giving Coat’, now Temple Adi Da with the other retreatants waiting for Darshan. The pattern at this time was that the conch shell would be blown, the ‘hooting’ noise signalling that Adi Da was beginning His Walk to the Giving Coat. Those minutes of waiting while He was walking were tremendously exciting I can tell you, like counting down for the Apollo rocket to launch to the moon, but moreso! The anticipation would mount until the excitement was boiling over. We would twist around towards the entrance behind us, to our right, with our hands raised in a devotional gesture. Then we would twist some more and strain to catch a glimpse of Him through the open-to-the-air windows, before He entered the room, and then He would stride like a lion through the door, walk majestically to the front of the room and take His Place on His chair, folding His legs elegantly in a yogic asana.
Now He would look around the room, gazing at different people seemingly randomly and spontaneously. When He gazed at me, a fixed expressionless gaze deep into my eyes and heart, I felt my heart respond with a trembling feeling of bliss, then when this was accomplished His gaze turned to someone else. Throughout the Darshan I would feel the waves of bliss subside and then at some point He would look at me again and the trembling with bliss would begin again. Then it would fade. Then He would look at me again and the delicious sweet feeling in my heart would happen again. This pattern kept repeating. At some point I had the sense that we were ‘spinning tops’ and that Adi Da’s glance was ‘spinning our hearts’, when the spin slowed down He would glance at me again and keep my heart ‘spinning’.
Suddenly I felt this magnetic pull towards Him. His spiritual transmission penetrated deep into me and I felt magnetized to Him, like He was a gigantic all-powerful magnet and I was a metal filing helplessly drawn to Him. The power of this force was electronic and all-consuming. I would like to say it was just extremely blissful. It was overwhelmingly blissful and it was also terrifying. I felt out of control, like I would be swallowed up forever in this whirlpool of power and force. I was surrendering and resisting alternately. I was not able to fully surrender to this volcanic energy, this vortex of love-power. At the same time I was left with no doubt of the reality of the power of His spiritual transmission and His capability to fully enlighten people through His Divine Siddhis (spiritual powers). I felt ‘wrecked’ in a wonderful way, my mind torn apart and shattered. I was so filled with bliss and His transmission coursing through my body that I could not stand up. As He walked out of the room I slithered several feet in his direction like a snake. I wanted to crawl and slither after Him forever! I was madly attracted to the God-Man in my heart and in every cell of my being. He had really ‘got me.’